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and then be humiliated in front of the whole school while
girls bid to have lunch with them。
Guess who made this year's top twenty。
You'd think mothers would say�察�Hey�察�there's no way you're going to auction my son off to the
highest bidder�察�but no。 Instead�察�they're all flattered
that their son's been elected a basket boy。
Yes�察�my friend�察�that's what they call you。 Over the P。A。 you hear stuff like�察 �There will be an
organizational meeting of the newly elected basket
boys in the MPR at lunch today。 All basket boys must attend。 ̄
Pretty soon you've pletely lost your name。 You and nieen other saps are known
simply as Basket Boy。
My mom�察�of course�察�was into it�察�ing up with all sorts of stuff to put in my basket so I'd get
the highest bid。 I tried to explain that I didn't want to
be in Mayfield Junior High's Basket Boy Hall of Fame�察�and that really�察�what was in the basket
didn't matter。 It wasn't like girls were bidding on the
basket。 When you got right down to it�察�this was a meat market。
^You eat lunch on campus and that's the end of it。 It is hardly a meat market�察�Bryce。 It's an
honor� �Besides�察�maybe someone really nice will bid on
you and you'll make a new friend� 院 �
Mothers can be in such denial。
And then Garrett bends my ear with the news that Shelly Stalls is breaking up with Mitch
Michaelson�察�and that she�察�Miranda Humes�察�and Jenny
Atkinson are starting some bidding war over me。 ^Dude� 院�he tells me。 ^The two hottest chicks
on campus。 And I swear to god�察�man�察�Shelly's
dumped Mitch because of you。 I heard it direct from Shagreer�察�and dude�察�Shagreer the Ear
knows all。 ̄ He throws me this nasty grin and says�察 �Me�察 �
I'm rooting for Jumbo Jenny。 It would serve you right for being such a basket boy。 ̄
I told him to shut up�察�but he was right。 With the way my luck was running�察�I'd probably get
stuck with Jumbo Jenny。 I could just see it ! six feet of
beefy babe downing both halves of my lunch and then ing after me。 Jenny's the only girl
or guy on campus who can dunk a basketball。 The
whole gym shakes when she lands。 And since she's got no�察�you know´ female parabolas�察 �
the girl could shave her head and make it in the NBA。
Seriously。 No one would ever suspect。
Her parents give her anything she wants�察�too。 Rumor has it they converted their garage into
a full´on basketball court just for her。
Which meant that in the game of the basket boys�察�I was as good as slam´dunked。
Unless�察�unless Shelly or Miranda was high bidder。 But how could I make sure that happened�拭 �
My brain went into overdrive�察�constructing a plan�察 �
and in the end I decided that there was only one sensible course of action。
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Kiss up to both of them。
Halfway through my first day of doing this�察�I felt like a skunk。 Not that I was being gross about
it or anything。 I was just�察�you know�察�friendly。 And even
though Shelly and Miranda didn't seem to smell a thing�察�Garrett did。
^Dude� 院�he says to me on Thursday。 ^I can see your game�察�man。 ̄
^What are you talking about�拭院 �
^Don't deny it�察�dude。 You're working them both。 ̄ He es up and whispers in my ear�察 �
^Basket boy or not�察�I'm in awe。 ̄
^Shut up�察�man。 ̄
^Seriously� �The Ear says they were�察�like�察�clawing each other in P。E。 today。 ̄
I had to know。 ^What about ´ Jumbo Jenny�拭院 �
He shrugs。 ^Haven't heard。 But we'll find out tomorrow�察�won't we�察�dude�拭院 �
My mother dropped me off at school on Friday with my stupid oversized picnic basket�察�and
since all basket boys have to dress up�察�I was choking
in a tie and feeling pletely dweeblike in slacks and dress shoes。
Kids whistled and shouted�察 �Oooh�察�baby� 院�as I headed up the walkway�察�and then Jumbo
Jenny passed me�察�taking the front steps three at a time。
^Wow�察�Bryce�察院�she said over her shoulder。 ^You look´ delicious。 ̄
Oh�察�man� �I practically ran to the classroom where all the basket boys were supposed to meet�察 �
and the minute I walked in�察�I felt better。 I was
surrounded by other dweebs�察�who seemed genuinely happy to see me。 ^Hey�察�Loski ̄�察 �Yo�察 �
dude ̄�察 �Doesn't this suck eggs�拭隠察 �Why didn't you take the
bus�察�man�拭院 �
Misery loves pany。
Then Mrs。 McClure�察�the president of the Boosters�察�the lady who lassoed us all�察�hoofs it
through the door。 ^Oh�察�my� 院�she says。 ^You all look so
handsome� 院 �
Not one word about our baskets。 Not one little sneak peek inside。 No�察�for all she cared�察�those
puppies were empty。
Meat market�拭 �
You better believe it� �
^Don't be so nervous�察�boys�察院�Mrs。 McClure was saying。 ^You're going to have a wonderful
day� 院�She pulls out a list of names and starts ordering
us into line。 We get numbers�察�our baskets get numbers�察�we fill out three´by´five cards to her
insane specifications�察�and by the time she's got us all
organized and is sure we know what to do and what not to do�察�we've missed all of first and
most of second period。 ^Okay�察�gentlemen�察院�she says。
^Leave your baskets where they are and go to´ where are we now�拭�Still in second�拭院�She
looks at the clock。 ^Right。 Second。 ̄
^What about passes�拭院�some sensible basket boy asked。
^Your teachers have a list。 But if they say anything�察�tell them I say your neckties are your
passes。 I'll meet you back here when everyone's
dismissed for the auction。 Got it�拭�Don't dawdle� 院 �
We grumbled�察�Yeah�察�yeah�察�and headed to class。 And I can tell you this�察�not one of the twenty
of us listened to a word any of our teachers said that
morning。 How can you listen with a noose around your neck�察�pinched toes�察�and a room full of
idiots thinking it's open season on basket boys�拭 �
Whoever started this stupid tradition ought to be crammed into a basket and tossed
downstream without a serving spoon。
I was basket boy number nine。 Which meant I had to stand there on the stage in the gym
while nearly half the guys got auctioned off。 Minimum bid�察 �
ten bucks。 And if nobody bid�察�the secret was a teacher was assigned to bid on you。
Yes�察�my friend�察�the possibilities for mortification were infinite。
Some of the moms showed up and stood off to the side with their camcorders and zoom
lenses�察�fidgeting and waving and basically acting as
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dweeby as their sons looked。 I should know。 My mom took an hour off work to be one of
them。
Tim Pello was basket boy number five�察�and his mom actually bid on him。 No kidding。 She
jumped up and down�察�yelling�察 �Twenty� �I'll give you
twenty� 院�Man�察�that'll brand you for life。 Lucky for Tim�察�Kelly Trott came up with twenty´two fifty
and saved his sorry self from everlasting torture as a
mama's boy ! one of the few fates worse than basket boy。
Caleb Hughes was up next�察�and he fetched the Boosters all of eleven fifty。 Then came Chad
Ormonde�察�who I swear was ready to pee his pants
when Mrs。 McClure made him step forward。 She read his card�察�pinched his cheeks�察�and
raked in fifteen even。
At this point what stood between me and the auction block was Jon Trulock。 And I wasn't
exactly interested in what he had in his basket or what
his hobbies and favorite sports were。 I was too busy scanning the crowd for Jumbo Jenny�察 �
sweating my pits off。
Mrs。 McClure calls into the microphone�察 �Do I hear ten�拭院�and it took me a minute to tune in to
the fact that no one said ^Ten� 院�No one said
anything。 ^e on�察�out there� �The lunch is delicious。 Strawberry tarts�察�um ´ ̄ And Mrs。
McClure goes back to reading off the three´by´five about
Jon Trulock's lunch。
Talk about embarrassing� �This was worse than being a mama's boy。 Worse than lunch with
Jumbo Jenny� �How'd he get voted basket boy if
nobody wanted to have lunch with him�拭 �
Then off to the right of the crowd I hear�察 �Ten� 院 �
^Ten�拭�Did I hear ten�拭院�Mrs。 McClure says with a fluttery smile。
^Twelve� 院�came a different voice from the same area。
The first voice came back with ^Fifteen� 院�and all of a sudden I recognized whose voice it was。
Juli Baker's。
I searched through the crowd and found her�察�hand waving in the air�察�that look all over her
face。
^Sixteen� 院�came the other voice。
There was a pause�察�but then Juli shoots back with ^Eighteen� 院 �
^Eighteen� 院�cries Mrs。 McClure�察�who looks like she's about to collapse from relief。 She
pauses�察�then says�察 �Eighteen going once ´ Eighteen
going twice ´ Sold� �for eighteen dollars。 ̄
To Juli�拭�She was the last person I expected to bid on a lunch。 Anybody's lunch。
Jon staggered back into line。 And I knew I was supposed to step forward�察�but I couldn't
budge。 I felt like I'd been slugged in the stomach。 Did Juli
like Jon�拭�Is that why she'd been so´so´ nice lately�拭�Because she didn't care about me
anymore�拭�All my life she'd been there�察�waiting to be
avoided�察�and now it was like I didn't even exist。
^Step up�察�Bryce。 e on�察�don't be shy� 院 �
Mike Abenid